Abba Father

Over the past year, one of the things that has changed about my spirituality is that I feel I have moved from a pursuit of perfection, arrival, and answers; I have moved into a place of facing my own brokenness and darkness....The interesting thing is that it has almost nothing to do with my actions; at least, as far as I can see.....I used to evaluate my spiritual success on the basis of what I have done or not done: did I look at porn? Did I snap at someone? Did I honor God w/ my finances? etc, ect. But the brokeness of which I speak is different.....it sometimes feels like a chasm in my soul....an unexplained void.....i sometimes just feel like weeping....sometimes I do.....and it all feels God related....the psalmist's cry comes to mind, "Where can I go to meet with God?"....this Pilgram has definitely regressed....it seems as though the more I have drifted away from outward, religious expressions and formalities (and the more I have drifted from institutionalized Christianity), the more I have turned inward......and the more inward I have turned, the more I have discovered emptiness and vacuums.....i used to have no time for this kind of thing; i could evaluate my soul based on more objective criteria: what did i do? what did i not do? did i have a "pure heart"? did i have "impure motivations"?....but the whole religious thing kind of went supernova for me and the resulting gravitational collapse formed a black hole.....I'm no scientist, but as I understand it, light exists in a black hole it's just that its trapped within the darkness.

Special thanks to the Owl for sending me a copy of Peter Rollins's book, How (Not) to Speak of God. I recommend it; it's a very thoughtful exploration of how faith might look like if things like struggle, exploration, silence, the importance of doubt, and God's transcendence and unknowability are privileged. The official description is, "explore the philosophical and theological underpinnings of the emerging church." The prose can be a bit dense if you are not used to reading philosophy and theology, but it is not an academic book, so it is definitely doable. It's not a long read, but a bit provocative in spots.

We will discuss Rollins again, but for now there is a quote that ties in with some of my general feelings and spiritual experiences over the past year or so. Rollins talks about the "God-shaped hole," but not in the sense of a hole that is filled by God. Instead, "the God-shaped hole can be understood as precisely that which is left in the aftermath of God."

"The believer, far from once having a God-shaped hole in his or her being that is now filled, is one who has a God-shaped hole formed in the aftermath of God, a hole that compels them to seek after that which they already have. The Christian religion arises as a space that testifies to God by testifying to a God who created, but who cannot be contained, within the space. The void left by God is not unlike a type of black hole, full of something that cannot be seen and which draws our gaze into the unseen.....Faith, in this rendering, can thus be described as a wound that heals." (p. 52)

Rollins goes on to quote Pascal: "Finally, let them recognize that there are two kinds of people one can call reasonable; those who serve God with all their heart because they know Him, and those who seek Him with all their heart because they do not know Him." (p. 53)

I just came across Romans 8:15-16 as translated by the NRS,

For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received a spirit of adoption. When we cry, "Abba! Father!" it is that very Spirit bearing witness with our spirit that we are children of God

Most translations end the sentence after "Abba! Father!" and then a begin a new sentence with "It is that very Spirit..." So, the NIV for example: For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.

Why might that be significant? Well, if the NRS translation is correct, then it is in the act of crying "Abba! Father!" that we have the most intimate assurance that God's Spirit is with us. In other words, we are most assured of the presence of God through pain, doubt, and confusing.

Regardless of whether the NRS is correct, these verses certainly refer us to Jesus in the Garden, struggling with the ramifications of the cross that he was going to bear.

Rollins also makes a connection with the cross:

"Doubt provides the context out of which real decision occurs and real love is tested....It is precisely in the midst of a Holy Saturday [the 24 hours between the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ] experience that the decision to follow Christ becomes truly authentic. A faith that can only exist in the light of victory and certainty is one which really affirms the self while pretending to affirm Christ, for it only follows Jesus in the belief that Jesus has conquered death. Yet a faith that can look at the horror of the cross and still say 'yes' is one that says 'no' to the self in saying 'yes' to Christ....The believer ought to acknowledge and even celebrate this dark night of the soul, understanding that this is not a threatening darkness which conceals an enemy but rather is the intimate darkness within which we embrace faith." (p. 34-35)